life right now is completely blowing my fucking mind.

life has been undeniably strange and intense the past few months. my car has been in the shop for almost four weeks now, after I crashed it into another car while accidentally running a red light(whoops). I fainted in a restaurant, caused quite a scene(chairs knocked over, ketchup EVERYWHERE), and have my third doctors appointment next week with a cardiologist to try and figure out what the fuck is going on. apparently my heart rate is disturbingly slow (average resting heart rate is between 70 and 80 bpms..mine clocks in around 51) which could explain my fainting spells, along with frequent numbness and tingling in my hands and feet(poor circulation, always cold). I haven't ever experienced any kind of potentially serious health issue before, so this period of unknowing is quite unsettling. As a result of those two lovely experiences having happened in the first few weeks of school, I have fallen behind and am struggling to get some serious work done. I'm thankful for understanding teachers, concerned family members and supportive friends. I'm also thankful that I have a boy who reassures me, encourages me, and takes my mind off of everything shitty.

I'm ripping CDs onto my laptop since karen gave me this new shiny iPod(thanks sugar mama) and all our music is locked up in the depths of kenny's dying computer. I'm looking forward to going to Knotts Scary FizzaRRMMM with my two best friends on wednesday. I'm also thoroughly enjoying this nippy weather...I wore socks for the first time in ages yesterday. October invokes expected nostalgia that I'm sure will only intensify in the coming months, but I'm looking forward to making new memories and experiencing new things.

peace out!

money makes me feel like this.

morning bike ride through a neighborhood I hope to become much more familiar with, beautiful used bookstore with one of the biggest art sections I've seen(and finding a fantastic Louise Bourgeois book), great tasty BBQ, and most importantly sharin' it all with my boy all add up to a picture perfect tuesday. tomorrow is lookin' just as sweet, and despite all the bull shit I'm going to have to deal with in "reality" soon I think I'll just bask in the afterglow for a little while longer.

me and kenny need a roomie, as soon as possible. we've gotta get outta this apartment! anyone interested pleaaaseee contact me or him.

I'm genuinely happy right now, and extremely thankful to finally be around someone who fully sees me for who I am and values all he sees.


too bad harry potter part 6 totally sucked balls. how can you possibly justify altering the CLIMAX of the story, the most intense bloody and heartwrenching battle scene ever (until you get into the last book) so that its nothing more than five minutes of semi heated conversation and harry half heartedly trying to get at snape??? booooooooooooooooooooooooooo! thats what I say!

coming home after having three of the most fun and relaxing days I've had in a VERY long time just serves as a reminder of how shitty everything was when I left. thank goodness I'm leaving again tomorrow.

my summer ceramics project is going to be a sculpture based partly on this. I owe the world a livin...

life is a fucking shit storm with no relief no solace no sanctuary. I'm a sucker, a door mat, a push over and completely spineless, destined in life only to be taken advantage of, used up, and wrung out like a god damned sympathy sponge until there's absolutely nothing left but feeling like it's ultimately my fault for fostering such treatment in the first place. every time I feel like the hurt couldn't get any worse, it totally fucking does, and all I can do now is roll my eyes up to the heavens and laugh and laugh and laugh.












hey! at least this entry will make someone happy.

my grades....?

ART 103 Two-Dimensional Design 3.0 A 12.0
ART 117 Life Drawing 3.0 D 3.0
ART 311 Foundations of Modern Art 3.0 B+ 9.9
ART 326A Ceramic Sculpture 3.0 A 12.0
ART 484A Ceramics 3.0 A 12.0



how is it that I got a D on my final exam for art history and still managed to pull a B+?? even more ridiculous, life drawing, which I never went back to after spring break and turned in only two fairly poor drawings the entire semester....D??? I was expecting an F most definitely, or a WU or something that would count more against me...D???????

it just goes to show you that college is a joke, you can half ass almost everything and still pull passing grades, and all that really matters is we keep shelling out the big bucks to learn next to nothing. I think I've learned more about art from discussions I've had outside of class with friends and from museums that I've visited than from nearly every teacher I've had, save the few who actually blew my mind with their insight and advice.


next thing on my list, get a ridiculously large loan to finance the last year of bullshit college while simultaneously paying off the debt I've already accrued and then handing it all over to my parents who wanted me to do this in the first place. now hand me my fucking BA in general studio art and tell me that I'm more valuable than the rest!!!

and the inevitable awkward in between years of my life have crept upon me in the night and were waiting impatiently beside my bed this morning when i woke.

all things work together for good.

I have epoxy in my hair, a skin of acrylic medium on each finger, (poisonous!)manganese stain on my chest and forearms, and I'm pretty sure I won't be getting any sleep tonight.

to do today:
-photograph sculptures at home
-10 minute power point encompassing my entire body of work thus far/images of my own research/sketches/300 word artist statement
-ridiculous 2D design painting that was due weeks ago that I'm only halfway done with
-finish 2D design final project (paint remaining tile/touch up the other three)
-finish relief carving/fire it/paint it/all by friday morning
-FILL up sketchbook (its probably half full, needing 50+ more pages of sketches..UGH)



I'll feel so relieved and happy and free on friday that's all I can really think about right now. life in all other realms is really good/interesting/challenging/surprising...? I got a second job doing henna tattoos on main street in huntington beach this summer ($10/hr cash under the table baby!) so please come down on monday/wednesday afternoons and let me give you a tramp stamp okay?

I'm not miss patriotic or anything close to it, but I guess it sounds a million times more amazing when five little girls under the age of eight are singing it.



its crunch time at school and it sucks. only a few weeks left til finals, and I have so much to do I don't quite know where to start. three different painting projects (2 of which are due next wednesday) at least three different ceramics ventures that have all been started in some form or another but are no where near completion, and to top it all off I have to do a ten minute power point presentation for everyone in ceramics as my final. this has to include all references and sources of inspiration for my work, photographs of prior work that has lead up to my final project, for which I also have to write a 300 word artist statement. whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

I'm also doing a demonstration/lesson with kids at an arts event for the city of mission viejo on saturday. one of my teachers from previous semesters thinks I'm the bees knees, so she hooked me and my friend amanda up and she's paying us each $100 to do it! she also paid us each $50 last night to do a ceramics lesson for her art and child development class, which I'm hoping will continue every semester. I think I could get used to playin around with kids and clay for cash!


other than all that mess, I still feel like I'm living some sort of ridiculous dream, and I plan on keeping reality at bay for as long as possible.

Want to get it all behind me
You know everything reminds me
I can't be myself without you
Want to crawl down deep inside
The springs inside the mattress
Where l cry my dirty secrets
'Cause I just can't shake this feeling
That I'm nothing in your eyes

And if I knew heartbreak was coming
I would've set out running
Past the city houses
And the ditches on the highway
Read between the seasons
Under the bridges in valleys
Til the winds out on the prairie
Whip the tears from my eyes

Want to get it all behind me
You know everything reminds me
I can't be myself without you
Want to crawl down deep inside
the springs inside the mattress where I cry my dirty secrets
'Cause I just can't shake this feeling
That I'm nothing in your eyes

And if I knew heartbreak was coming
I would've set out running
Across the muddy river
And the smokestacks on the bank
Swallow that horizon
Hunger beyond hunger
Til the cloudy blue Pacific
Took the air in my lungs

And if I knew heartbreak was coming
I would've set out running
'Cause I just can't shake this feeling
That I'm nothing in your eyes

I can say that I've lived here in honor and danger
But I'm just an animal and cannot explain a life
Down this chain of days I wished to stay among my people
Relation now means nothing, having chosen so defined

And if death should smell my breathing
As it pass beneath my window
Let it lead me trembling, trembling
I own every bell that tolls me



I smell a sculpture comin up.

the potential life has to surprise and completely change in a few moments never ceases to amaze me. I feel like I'm living someone else's life right now. waiting for reality to set in is a terrible thing, but I hope it never happens because I want to keep feeling this free and full and confident forever.

seeing as the only person I can ultimately rely on is myself, and no amount of supposed love or caring has prevented regular disappointment and heartache, I should probably learn to do that.

I always thought it was the right thing to do to speak out in the defense of those you care about. no elitism, no feelings of jealousy or animosity, just my own heartfelt desire and innate protective nature at play here folks. I'm afraid for the day to come when I look around me and stop seeing the same faces in my circle of friends that I've cherished since high school. I see the web of interrelationships become more and more tangled, and it kills me to sit back and watch as people hurt one another and slowly start to drop off the friend-radar. I guess friendships will fade and ultimately fail, and I need to be more accepting of this inevitable fact.

I love you all, if that counts for anything, and I'll be here until the death rattle.

I wish you would just go home, or chill the fuck out. stop messing around with the lives and hearts of my friends who you could care less about in a vain attempt to live out some sort of twisted west coast dream. if you really want to be a better person, start acting like one! and stop treating the most important boys in my life like notches on your belt.


(I can't help myself, sorry for adding fuel to this fucked up drama fire)



I love you kenny. thanks for sharing the JEW experience with me, you're the only one I wanted there(aside from amara, who completes the JEW trifecta). clarity is by far my favorite album of all time, and being "a kyle stallings length" away from the stage while those guys played each and every song in order was a defining moment in my young life. wow wow wow.